Part of Ruth Brenner's story
I
[{From the Notepad draft:}]
I try to remember my earliest years. They were depression years. We moved quite often trying to miss the landlord. One house we lived in, Granpa K's house, my mother and father brought home a very young couple with a small daughter from the welfare office. They had no place to live and stayed with us until other arrangements could be made. Some time later we moved into my Grandfathers (Mothers Father) house.
The first thing I remember about Granpa's house was Grandmother's death & wake. We were not living there at the time - the living room was dark & large funeral candles burned at each end of the casket. My younger brother and I clung to my mother- In my memory the men stayed in a group by themselves. Mother later in life spoke to me of her
[{on reverse side of 1st page there is this following paragraph on topic, but breaks into the text sequence}]
Later one Christmas Eve the lights went out in the area. We used some of these candles & tho I was some years older I found it very frightening again. My father was working (W.P.A.) But the rest of the family was there but to me it was the kind of night to jump into bed and cover up to my head with the blankets.
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Mother's Death. As remember she loved her very much- I can also remember beginning to learn to read and speak Czech. But did not make much progress. We were still on welfare. I will never forget the "worker" coming into the house and searching through dresser drawers and closets to see if we were deserving of help. Mothers main worry was everything should be neat & clean. With Grandfathers help moneywise my father made many improvements in the house. My sister Lydia and Evelyn had married. Lydia married (Lydia's care for us)a W.W.I veteran who was not too well- took a great deal of medicine it seems to me because of something like ulcers or injury to intestines due to the war. Evelyn had a mis-carriage (I have gotten ahead of myself with moving into Grand fathers' house.)
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We were living in a flat as apartments were called in Chicago. Evelyn's baby made me an aunt at 5- which made me proud. I went to a public school that was near by. That school had many children with T.B. who were bundled up in all kinds of weather out doors. They also had a unit that had clothing donated by more fortunate people. I needed a winter coat and Mother asked for one. I found this a very embarrassing experience- the woman in charge lifted my skirt to see what type of under clothing I wore- in front of the other children. (I gather the idea was to make sure I was not shamming the need of the coat)- I had to pass under an elevated track to go home. One day there was the body of a woman wedged in the tracks- it was said she jumped in front of the train
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and had a baby with her. I saw no child, but the sight and the blood dripping to the ground was very frightening. These were tragic years. My sister Martha and her husband lived with us. They must have been intimate before because Martha became pregnant soon and moved with us to Grandfathers house. Dad had built some rooms in the basement. My little brother and I lay on the living room with our ears pressed to it and heard the baby's first cry, a boy. Marthas husband was a nice man- many times he helped me with my roller skirts- they were bought or whatever through some kind of newspaper deal. They eventually moved- Martha went to work. When John had no work it was she that was the bread winner most of the time. It was somewhere during this time that I realized John was an alcoholic tho then it was called a drunk. I never saw him mean to anyone- but then I spent little time in their home.
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Elvara was still home- she was working and there were a lot of young people her age in the area. She met her husband to be- it was the two of them sitting on the front porch that saw my brother Edward sleep walking and brought him back into the house. I believe he was a bedwetter at times (Edward).
I enjoyed living there- school was close by- Mother and Dad managed to keep me with the paper, etc I needed that was not provided by the school. Sometimes even pennies for candy during recess that the candy store man across from the school would bring over on a big tray hung over his shoulders on straps.
I had many girlfriends, there were all the usual games - jump rope, jacks, etc. Elvara & Ted married and had their first child a boy. I baby sat for them at times- one night Ted tried to kiss me but I rejected it.
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I liked living in Grandpa's house. There was his old Victrola with stacks of records. My younger brother and I used it a lot. I would walk to a neighborhood bar to buy Grandfather a pail of beer at times. He also brewed his own at home. Many nights we were awakened by bottles exploding. (Granpa had from stories I heard been alcoholic a long time.). My mother and father did our laundry in old fashioned tubs- he scrubbed them on a scrub board- and between the two of them they were rinsed & run through an old fashioned hand wringer- that laundry was spotless. Dad was still not working- but I remember he and myself washing and drying dishes together. I enjoyed working with him. We had no radio until an uncle brought in what they call a "crystal set" which was next to no radio by later standards. I suppose it was Grandpa that bought us a regular radio- things are rather vague here- There was
[{on the reverse side of page 6 we find this paragraph:}]
For a short time my brother & I shared a bed in my Mothers & Fathers' room. This was stopped I believe because they realized that we might be starting to explore one another- this was stopped by the switch in rooms.
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the Lone Ranger, etc. My younger brother could never figure out how those little people fit inside. (See above insert).
I suppose there were arguments- it was a great worry on both my parents parts trying to keep the family well fed and Dad was bitter at times, I imagine, because he had always worked hard and brought home a good salary. I really can't remember many of these arguments- till I was older & they were not that frequent. It seems what I can remember was Dad always during these arguments was blaming Mothers parents or family for what I don't know. I remember crying at times.
I graduated from grammar school- again Mother somehow managed to get the money to buy me a beautiful dress- I can honestly say as I mentioned earlier, money matters, etc- seem rather vague. If it is because I don't want
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to remember it but I can't pin anything down that I can say. This was the Ginger Rogers - Fred Astaire era and I can remember one of the evenings when Dad & I finished the dishes begging- perhaps you could call it plaguing my Mother for movie money- movies were a dime. She was going to give me a quarter and I refused- I was very ashamed- can't even remember which movie it was- and yet I wanted it so badly at the time.
Right after graduation I was confirmed into the Lutheran Church. Most of my friends were Catholic- so was my Mother tho she did not practice her religion. Dad gave me my choice- I chose Lutheran- why I cannot say. I loved church-made new friends - enjoyed Sunday school- joined the choir at Christmas eve services. It was quite a large congregation.
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these services had to be divided into two. I remember my Father attending one & speaking to the Minister for a long time-I was very proud. Once during this season a member of the church & the minister also stopped by in the evening and left a box with new mittens, other clothing for my brother and myself. My Mother & Father had gone to the movies. They did not go often- Mom went for the movie & Dad enjoyed mainly the news and cartoons- you could hear him all over the theater- his laughter was infectious.
It was about this time I found work after school in a neighborhood bakery. This I liked- it was where I found it enjoyable working for & with people. Then I found work during vacation from school with my sister Evelyn in a clothing firm- I made sample (Skip to follow insert)
[{next follows page 10 as it was written- not reordered with
her insert}]
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books for the salesman. (Insert)
I kept on with high school for 3 ½ years. Mother became ill and was bedridden for a while. My business teacher came to the house and tried to persuade me to return to school. I refused with the excuse that my mother needed my help. Now that I look back I do Believe that some kind of arrangement other than leaving school could or should have been arranged. I cannot remember my Mother's contribution to this discussion. I think it was because my teacher & I were [{this word illegible}] alone. At any rate about 6 mos.? Later I applied for work with the Ill. Bell Tel Co. I was with the information dept & really loved it. During this time Grandfathers house was sold - he moved with us into flat. (Insert 9 - 10)
There was a girl nearby with whom I became acquainted. It was then I met my husband
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betw. 9 - 10 Insert
Again I am out of sequence I left out the time before & just after the telephone co when my brother Ed would take me dancing to one of the most beautiful ballrooms in the City. There was liquor served - a
[{2 words illegible- it almost looks like a brand name of a wine- something like "Virg.Dare"}]
was my limit - I really believe it was because it seemed the thing to do- They also served ice cream items. The orchestras were all big names - the music & dancing were the main for me and I do believe Ed also-
Jack- when Ed went overseas- would take me places- movies, small restaurants. Saw many movies & stage shows similar to Radio City Music Hall in the Chicago Theater.- except for a chorus line like the Rockettes
I dated a few young men- Nothing serious, just fun- Two never returned from war and were killed in action.
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The girl & I had gone into the Chicago Loop & later started to walk to the Band Shell in Grant Park on the shore of Lake Mich. My then to be husband & his friend were on pass from Chanute Field. I did something I had never done before- I allowed myself to be picked up. We went on to the concert & then they took us home. He kissed me goodnight at my door and from then on dated each time he was able to get a pass. I introduced him to my parents and they liked him right off. Martha & her children (4 boys) had stayed with us for a while- she and John had split up for a while. They left & we had a folding chair in the dining room where I slept while she stayed with us. I stayed using the chair-bed & it became Walters habit to stay with us on pass. I worked as usual. It was a period of
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learning about one another. We went to a few bars- but drinking was very social & minor. He went overseas and mail was frequent communication.
He flew back from England and as we had planned to marry as soon as possible I had purchased my wedding gown. He returned on a Fri. Nte - Saturday was busy - had his uniform tailored - got our married license- arranged for the church. Aside from some heavy petting we had never gone any further.
Tho' his parents or relatives could not attend the wedding my family, friends made up those in attendance. We had a dinner party at home - there was alcohol- and it was fun for all- Far as I can remember no one over did it. We stayed in my room saw a couple of movies, took long
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walks and I pressed uniforms & prepared our clothes for the trip home to visit his parents and relatives. We took time to buy me an engagement ring- and took off on the A.T.& S. Fe for Missouri. His first time home since before he went overseas, when he hitch hiked both ways.
He used to drive cattle to the stockyards in St. Joseph, Mo- for a friend and neighbor & took one day to do this with him. I stayed with his parents, mostly in our room - writing letters and reading. His parents were very nice- his father was so different than my own I found it a little difficult to get used to him - his mother was a gentle woman- they both worked hard all their lives and still did with a garden & canning- food for the table- tho' they no longer had their farm- what land
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they had supplied them with the majority of their vegetables. Meat was purchased from cattle shop. Etc farms- cut up and kept in a large freezer they rented in a nearby small town. This was a completely new experience for me- raised all my life in the city. The town they lived in consisted of a few houses, school (no longer in use) church a general store with a Post Office. This store was also used as a meeting place- social on Sat. Nites. The larger town nearby had a movie house with some (few) places with music and dancing. These places sold no alcohol- tho' this could be purchased ion drug stores and still is the same. Missouri is a dry state- trains close their bars when going through it, but the young people who drank managed. They purchased their bottles and kept them hidden at the dance halls.
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My husband and I bought a pint- drank half- and we planned to spend the nite in town with his Grandmother- He hid it in a culvert so it would not be seen by her or his parents. I know he checked to see if it was still there- but I don't remember retrieving it. A very good friend of his since childhood came home and he and his wife and my husband and I had a great deal of fun together-. We used a pick up truck with hay in the back as transportation. The time flew by- and then back to Chicago. He packed his duffel bag and prepared for his trip to the Japanese area of the war. Before this the war ended- he came back to Chi- was discharged. We stayed with my parents, I worked and while he prepared for his future work, etc- Spent some time in a bar across the
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street. It was not and every day (or evening) I should say- but there was not much to do at home. My father worked and Mothers main interest was soap-operas and cleaning house. This was a flat that was heated with a coal stove. I just started wondering how Dad managed to carry that coal (we lived 2nd floor) and ashes to keep it warm.
II
[{Next is the second draft from the 13 page loose-leaf
paper. The first 6 pages of the draft appear to cover the
same time period and material as the 1st draft, but they are
going to be included as well.}]
I started this autobiography going back as far as I can remember my childhood. But it seemed to me it was very uneventful and had nothing to do with the serious drinking period of my life.
So here I am at 13 yrs graduating high school. I did no drinking, had many girl friends and spent a great deal of time reading- there were chores- I can remember my Father washing dishes and me drying. This was the Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire era. I remember plaguing my Mother for movie money- she offered me her last quarter- which I turned down- I was very ashamed. It was this same time I was confirmed into the Lutheran Church. Mother who was reared a Catholic was not practicing and my father gave me the choice of a church. Tho my girlfriends were mainly Catholic I chose the Lutheran religion- why I can't explain. My Mother never did object to this choice. I loved my church it was a very happy time of my life. A little later I started working part time at a neighborhood bakery. I enjoyed it. It was there that I learned to work with people. A couple of years I also worked through vacation with my sister Evelyn in a clothing firm.
I kept up with high school for 3 ½ years. My Mother became ill and was confined to bed. I decided to stay home and care for her. My business teacher came to the house and tried to talk me into going back to school. I refused though now I believe it could have been handled another way. A short time later I started work with the Ill. Bell Telephone Co-
I dated some; there was no intimate relationships. My brother Ed and took me dancing to two of the best ballrooms in Chicago. There was alcohol available and big and beautiful ballrooms were there was also Ice cream sodas, etc. The main attraction was the music and dancing. Ed had done some sleep walking- I mentioned bed wetting but as I look back I really can't remember this. He was fairly artistic but never had a chance to work at it. At this time I was dating some very nice young men. Ed went into the Army and overseas. My younger brother Jack and I spent some time going to movies, small restaurants, park concerts. Then I met my husband.
It was on the way to one of these concerts- in Grant Park on the shore of Lake Michigan. He was with a friend from Chanute Field & I was with a girlfriend. We went to the concert. It was not a habit of mine to be picked up, but this did not seem wrong. He took me home, the four of us stayed together. He took me to the door and we kissed goodnite. I call it love at first sight. We saw each other each time he could get a pass. There were a few bars- no really heavy drinking. There was some heavy petting. He stayed in my Mother's and Fathers place when he was on pass and we dated. It was era of learning about one another.
He went overseas with the Air Corps. Letters were frequent. I worked and really liked my work. Dated no one- If a group of girls went to a dance we danced with any young men who were presentable- those days it was practically every man in uniform. We girls stayed together; most of us were waiting for someone to come home. During this time I just worked, spent most evenings at home with my parents- read, there was always the radio and books.
He was gone overseas a little over 2 yrs. I had prepared for his return, we had decided to marry as soon as we could. I bought my wedding gown- and we were married the weekend he came home- in my church by my beloved minister- Dad walked with me down the aisle. My husbands parents still lived in Missouri in a very small town. There was no time for them to attend the wedding- it was all my family and friends.
We had a dinner in my family's home. There was some alcohol, tho I don't remember drinking being heavy. We stayed there- a honeymoon I suppose you could call it. Spent the last couple of days- me washing and pressing uniforms & preparing for the trip to visit his parents. His first time home for quite a while- he had made one visit before going overseas- hitch hiking each way.
He made one trip alone while we were there- he used to drive cattle to St Joseph, Mo for a good neighbor & friend before the draft and they went together this time. I was left with his parents. I really did not mind but I felt strange and a bit lonely. I wrote letters and read. This was a really small town a church, school and store served as Post Office, Groc's., some clothing and meeting place on Saturday nights- most of the young people went to the nearest town. There was a movie house there. Places to dance on the outskirts. No drinking was allowed but liquor was sold in drugstores, purchased and kept hidden at these places. This was a Methodist area- Very few people drank at all- tho' as I said the young people managed.
Eventually we had to return to Chicago to prepare for his overseas trip to the Japanese area. We met with some of his buddies from Chanute Field at a bar on the outskirts of Chicago. I saw him off on the train to an air field- much to my chagrin I cannot remember the state- it was the place where the presidents are carved into the mountains.
[{the preceding paragraph was crossed out in the draft}]
The Japanese war ended and he came back to Chicago & was discharged from there. He started work & went to school. We went to a bar once in a while that was across the street from my parents- it was not an everyday thing for me but till he found work he spent many afternoons there- he said rather than sit at home with my mother- which was not much of a past-time- her favorite was soap operas on the radio.
We found an apartment of our own- a basement flat. Our first two sons were born while we lived there. He joined a bowling league and I stayed home with the children- listening to the radio & reading. There were some evenings out, some bowling banquets where liquor was available in any quantity especially at the dancing afterward. I could never understand why drinks did not get lighter as the time went by at these affairs. I had my share, tho' the music & dancing were still my favorites.
My niece babysat while I was gone- went with other wives to watch bowling matches. These were all hard working nice people- there was beer mainly- which I could never stand. We did not have that much money- so I would rather abstain. I quit work after my first baby because I breastfed. Tried working a short time but Mother said she could not keep up with babies at her age. Our first daughter was born after we moved to another place. Mom & Dad had moved also- we were within a few houses of one another. There any social drinking died down- a drink or so with friends at dinner. My husband drank on his way home from work. Mainly with his boss- aside from social drinking he learned a lot about his work. I believe & still do that this was true- he was made manager of the firm at this time. My main complaint were office Christmas parties on Christmas Eve which left me to decorate the tree & put together toys. My second daughter was born here.
My father died about 3 yrs later. Then we left Chicago for Brooklyn because my husband's firm moved there. We had a small but adequate house rent free on company property. Our 3rd son and daughter were born while we were there. There was a bar near by which my husband frequented. He used to come home first and then started straight from work. I complained that I was left with the children each night and he said I was welcome to join him. This I did- which grew to more than one night-'til almost 4 nights leaving our oldest son to babysit. I usually left before he did- my drinking remained this way- 'til we met some new friends a little further from the house- I went with my husband to a bar nearby there though it was less frequent. I started drinking at home a few nights a week. Shopping nights was the night the whole family went together- my husband waited in a bar across the street- I found a liquor store near the supermarket and started buying a pint of bourbon to take home after having a few drinks at the bar. The children sat at a table with sodas and potato chips, etc. My husband drove us home, dropped off the groceries and left for the bar. I drank part of the whiskey- put away the groceries and listened to the radio while forming hamburgers into various shapes, etc. The older children watched T.V. till bed time the younger were in bed asleep.
Here I started running into trouble with bills & the check book. I struggled dreadfully and had to confess to my husband, at least once I remember that the oil bill was way behind in payment. Meanwhile we were trying to get together enough money to buy a house. His firm had a shakeup and he was one to go. We spent weeks reading want ads - and he found a very good job in Oyster Bay again as a plant manager. We found a house in the Huntington area & made another move. Aside from some visits to a neighborhood by my drinking was mainly confined to wine. I started working part time 5 - 10 PM with the supermarket chain that I am still employed with. My wine drinking was done at lunch time. I was very good at my job. Later I started to whiskey sours on weekends- I was really progressing.
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Mothers' death
I started full time about a year later- My drinking was mostly confined to home. I really don't remember when I started drinking so hard- it was vodka- At first it did not interfere with my work but gradually it crept up to where there were days when it did. I found myself saying I was ill and needed to go home. Still when I worked my work did not seem to suffer as much as you would think it would have. This covered a period of about 16 years- the old store closed and I went along to the new one- much larger- modern - computerized. I found it much more difficult- rather frightening- new procedures- such as cashing checks up to $500- all new to me compared to what I had done all those years before.
My drinking grew worse- never on the job but I could hardly wait to get home and pour that first drink. My youngest daughter persuaded me to join A.A.- after much hesitation I made a call and joined a group- and because I do not drive I had to accept rides from other members. I was with A.A. over a year but did not really cooperate- and there were many slips which I know now were really planned. While with A.A. I had myself admitted to De-tox. My husband was very displeased with this. He always said "have a drink but stop after a reasonable amount."
I did well for a few months and then started again- it was on again and often again 'till I dropped out of A.A.
I became ill- I was taking Sulfa became so ill I had my husband drive me to the doctor. I was a mess- ill & a rash to end all rashes. I did not tell the Dr I had been drinking intermittently on top of the Sulfa. He hospitalized me for about 4 days. I went home and back to work. I kept on drinking and started bleeding from the rectum- I had changed Dr's. He turned me over to a surgeon - an associate of his who diagnosed hemorrhoid and wanted to operate. My Dr. said no- not without extensive tests- & this they were- with a diagnosis of kidney problems. On my return home I stayed without liquor and then returned to work. After a time I started drinking again even tho' the Dr warned me about my liver. I had myself admitted to Brunswick again for De-tox. The last time about 3 weeks ago I did it again- where the Dr in charge (Dr Padula)- and my counselor sent me to the Brunswick Hospital for tests and then to the Villa. The fear of drinking with a liver condition- I believe will keep me from it. But I am trying to get as much as I can out this visit to the Villa.
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